Two of the most widely used names in the BDSM world of kink are “dom” and “sub,” which stand for “dominant” and “submissive,” respectively. You could engage in a harmless, reasonable, and consensual dom-sub relationship by using guidelines for your submissive and instruments such as BDSM contracts. Some people associate BDSM solely with relationship building, discipline dominance, and sadomasochistic behavior. In summary, roles and slave rules never cease in a relationship that lasts 24 hours a day, seven days a week. In this post I will provide you tips and 35 rules to help get you started.
What is a dominant-submissive relationship?
A dominant-submissive relationship occurs when one person dominates (a sadist) while the other partner submits to masochistic values. The power dynamic between the partners is the kink in a dominant/submissive, aka dom-sub relationship. A dom may gain sexual satisfaction from behaviours in which they control the climax of their subordinate partners, such as forced orgasms, damaged orgasms, or orgasm denial. While a sub may find sexual satisfaction as an act in which they can be disciplined, chastised, spanked, or otherwise dominated by their lover. In essence, the person in the dominant role exerts partial or complete authority over the one in the submissive role.
Your sub’s most acceptable source of information is honest communication, which includes taking inquiries and never exceeding their boundaries. Couples in dom-sub relationships lead entirely regular lives. They are simply two persons engaging for the pleasure of each other. As a result, their partnerships are not dissimilar to the vanilla relationship.
Benefits of Dom-Sub Relationships
According to Dr Sandra LaMorgese, BDSM couples can function in ways that promote deep attachment and generate a sense of comfort. Because this relationship requires trust and a desire to comply, many people who practice BDSM are often more obedient and confident. During the interaction, physical contact allows BDSM partners to express their sexuality. We may experience physiological and physical healings when someone touches our skin while playing, holding our shoulders, hugging us, or having sex. So, aside from the joys of BDSM, this is exceptionally beneficial to both our physical and emotional health.
Another advantage for both dominants and submissives is the possibility of pleasing their partner. Both parties place a high value on pleasure and arousal and regard it as an essential aspect of their relationship. Another advantage is that BDSM is enjoyable! Participating in non-traditional sexual activity is thrilling, and there are numerous ways to engage in it. Finally, the Dom-sub relationship encourages personal growth by allowing participants to explore and receive feedback from their partners. It improves their relationship’s intimacy and commitment.
Rules must be enforced in a dom-sub relationship
Dominant partners must know what their submissive partner can do and correct and praise conduct. The submissive may violate laws without repercussions, and their efforts to please their companion may go unrecognized. The three techniques for adhering to the rules are rewarding good behaviour and penalizing lousy behaviour. The incentive is ineffective if you receive a reward but prefer affection or sexual pleasure. This is why dominants should seek feedback from their submissive partners. The submissive partners should also seek input from their dominant partners. Prizes and penalties, like these guidelines, must be genuine and meaningful.
Rules versus protocols
Protocols are legal documents that must be followed in specified circumstances. When deciding on regulations, the concept of low, medium and high protocols can be helpful. When you want to respect a dom-sub relationship and rules, you can use a concealed protocol that would go unnoticed in a vanilla setting. Allowing your dominant partner to speak first, for example, or ordering for you in a restaurant. During mealtime, the submissive may wait for a couple of signs before eating. Consider invisible protocols, such as the concealed code between you and your partner.
High protocol refers to the regulations followed during formal dinners and other functions. They include restrictions on speech, speech expectations, and serving.
Medium protocols are used during public events and play. It may involve stressing BDSM components above general socializing and include a submissive’s behaviour toward other dominants.
Standard protocols are the most laid-back and are employed in casual and vanilla situations. While limits are enforced, informal conduct is permitted as long as the submissive partner knows the relationship dynamic and requests. In the face of everyday temptations, submissive partners must still stay accountable to their protocols and dominants.
Making Sub Rules with physical and mental health in mind
The sub’s mental health must be taken into account. As a result, every dominating partner must incorporate this in their rules and do well to observe them. Here are some examples of mental health rules in a dom-sub relationship.
The submissive must not react when triggered. Instead, the sub should exit the person, topic, or situation as swiftly and discretely as possible.
When Baby Girl feels nervous, she must stop whatever she is doing (unless it is vital) and perform her breathing exercises for five minutes.
The submissive will meditate for 10 minutes once every day (just sit and concentrate on his breath). Following that, the sub will text the dominant with a positive thought.
The submissive must prepare a list of activities that make them happy. These lists should be in a visible location for daily reminders.
Rules must have financial implications so that the sub can obey them. You can have as many rules as you want in a dom-sub relationship as long as you remember them and realistically follow them. Therefore, sticking to basic principles rather than specific regulations may assist the sub in recognizing and following the rules and the dominant in enforcing the laws.
Wording your rules
To be clear, rules for subs are expectations of chores, jobs, or services you want your submissive to complete regularly without you expressly telling them. They are established by the dominant in the relationship to provide some structure to the dom-sub relationship. Wording your rules simply means spelling out your rules in the simplest way possible so that your sub understands and comprehends what their dom requires of them.
There are two styles to writing rules.
The first form is written as if composed by the sub. For example, before retiring to bed, I shall get permission.
The second style is more authoritative and written from the standpoint of a dominant. For example, when I return home from work, you should be kneeling at the entrance, ready to take off my coat and serve me in whatever capacity I require that day.
Choose a style that appeals to you. I recommend you stick to one type of writing when creating a list of rules for a submissive. When mixed, it might be more challenging to interpret and learn the rules.
When and how to set submissive rules
Once you start dating your sub, learn to know their tastes, both sexually and in terms of the type of submissive partner they are.
Begin by writing down the rules that you want them to obey. Include directions from your prior dom-sub relationship that you appreciated. In a computer document, write down the subservient rules.
Make sure you go over the list of rules with your sub partner to determine if there are any regulations that your sub would be hesitant to follow.
Ask your sub if they have any suggestions from prior dominants or if something they like doing for you gives them happiness. Make sure to include anything they want to do in the rules. The goal should be for your sub to love following the rules, which is why this talk is critical.
Finally, both dom and sub should have a copy of the rules, so they know what to do and what not to do.
Types of power play in dom-sub relationship
Although a physical relationship between both parties is the most common. It is also possible to have a dom-sub relationship digitally or over the phone. Some examples of power play are:
Role-playing. There are numerous positions of power, including teacher, doctor/psychiatrist, law enforcement, boss/executive, and others. Having the dominant partner play one of these roles, with the submissive as their subordinate, reinforces the fundamental power aspect of the play in a more direct way. This also allows for fun opportunities for clothing fetishes to come into play and reinforces the notion that it is all fantasy.
Bondage is also frequently involved in a power play. It is another essential component of BDSM. Binding and restraining someone is an obvious way of asserting control by restricting their movement. Whether through simple rope bondage, cuffs, or more extensive full-body restraint. Bondage can also include chastity cages or belts to limit a submissive’s ability to masturbate and orgasm, as well as different kinds of gags to restrict their speech.
The practice of erotic asphyxiation, often known as sexual choking. Those who engage in the course do it primarily for physiological stimulation. Hypoxia or lack of blood flow to the brain produces a lightheaded, enjoyable sensation that heightens orgasmic sensations.
Sensation play is a foundational component of BDSM practices. It involves intense arousal from external objects while one partner wears a blindfold. The blindfolded partner trusts the other to touch, zap, or grip various regions of their body without knowing what will happen next. Hot wax, ice, feathers, silk, nipple clamps, and whips are commonly used.
Despite the horror and bewilderment of others, rape play fantasies are common. It’s a new kind of power dynamic. This type of power dynamic is usually carried out with the help of a trustworthy individual. This is extreme sadism and masochism, but keep in mind that both parties must agree to this scenario.
No power-play is abnormal as long as individuals involved do so willingly, and it does not interfere with other elements of their lives.
Submissive rules for everyday behaviour
If you have a BDSM activity outside of the bedroom, you may have some rules that encompass the seemingly mundane aspects of daily existence. These rules differ from playtime rules in that they may or may not apply to sex or BDSM. Of course, some principles do not apply to everyday activity. A submissive, for example, maybe commanded to carry a wireless vibrator during a specified activity or on a date night. Here are some subservient rules for everyday behaviour.
- At all times, the sub must wear a collar or other symbol of their relationship/ownership. This symbol may change from private to public situations.
- The submissive must use the accepted honorific to address their dominant and answer their nickname/title.
- When the dominant arrives or leaves the room, the submissive must kneel; when in the presence of their dominant, the sub must crawl.
- The sub will keep their eyes downcast and avoid making eye contact unless otherwise instructed.
- The submissive will serve the dominant drinks, snacks, and meals first.
- The submissive will maintain their look following the demands of their dom, including hair, cosmetics, clothes, and personal maintenance.
- When ordering food or drinks, the sub permitted the dominant to speak for them.
- The sub will need permission for bodily duties such as eating or visiting the restroom.
- The sub must dress in clothing chosen or authorized by the dominant.
- According to the dom’s wishes, the submissive must work out or exercise.
- The sub’s responses must be timely. However, times may vary based on the manner of communication used (text versus in person, for example)
- The sub cannot make purchases without permission or can only make purchases more petite than a certain amount.
- The sub must keep a daily record for the dominant partner’s review, delivered in person or over email/text.
- Before going to bed, the sub must masturbate and email images to the dom.
- The submissive must not to lie to the dominant.
- At all times, the submissive must be respectful.
- The submissive must not deceive the Dominant or manipulate any situation to gain their own personal goals.
Ten rules in a dominant-submissive relationship
The relationship rules must be followed all the way through so that everyone is happy with their partner. To be clear, there are no universal norms because these are produced by principles from both sides. If you want to start a relationship without any previous experience, make sure your mind is open to all the rules about coming in to achieve the best possible results.
In this type of relationship, keeping an open mind is critical. You must be open-minded about your partner’s values and perspectives in any relationship, especially this one. Even though the doms are the ones who carry out the commands in dominant-submissive relationships, that doesn’t mean they can’t learn something from the subs. It depends on your combined experience and willingness to learn and collaborate with one another. This is a team effort, and you must work together to make it enjoyable.
You must also be willing to try new things you may not have liked or considered previously. Maybe this time will be different? Who can say? Try it out and see what happens.
I know it sounds strange, but just because your submissive partner like being controlled doesn’t mean they overlook your human side. Your lover wants to fall in love with your human side as well, the one who understands mercy and is willing to bend the rules and administer milder penalties.
To be trusted, you must first demonstrate trustworthiness. You must prove to your partner that you are honest and trustworthy and can follow the rules and not cross the line. While the sub is expected to perform the servant role, the dom is also likely to be a good leader.
Reduce your expectations
You can’t possibly expect your partner to satisfy all of your wild desires. You must lower your expectations to match your partner’s readiness. In any other case, the relationship will fail.
For instance, if you’re a dominant partner, don’t expect your partner to strip every time you return home from work or to always address you as Master. Imagine coming home from work with a colleague and seeing your partner in the front door naked. It should not be about humiliating your partner!
Open and honest communication
Communication is essential in a dom-sub relationship, as it is in all others. You must first learn about each other to determine if you are compatible with a dom/sub relationship. You must discuss your health, limits, sex demands, and prior experience in this type of relationship.
For example, if you’re the dominant one and want to push the boundaries a little, you must sit down with your partner and go over everything in detail, so you know whether it’s okay or not.
Make use of a safe word
Be sure you have a safe word when you’ve decided to begin a dom-sub relationship. Because BDSM can be dangerous in-between the sheets, have a safe word that your sub will say to let you know if they need to stop or if they are okay.
The green/yellow/red code is widely used. Green signifies “go ahead,” yellow means “continue with care,” while red means “STOP!” for the relationship to be healthy, the dominant partner must obey the safe word.
Both partners must be mentally and physically healthy to have a dom-sub relationship. This includes healthy sleeping habits, limiting alcohol consumption, eating balanced food, and leading a stress-free lifestyle.
If your sub cannot meet your needs due to health issues, do not impose yourself on them. Instead, engage in their well-being and give them the time they need to rebuild their strength before continuing your relationship as before.
What is the point of all of this? Isn’t it to have fun? You both do it to have a good time and enjoy your relationship on a whole new level. That is why you must respect one another; else, you will not find what you seek.
Remember that it’s not about punishing someone or going to great lengths to satisfy someone simply because it’s simpler that way. Have fun in the relationship, and don’t forget why you started it in the first place.
Your fantasies cannot all come true at the exact moment. Have patience, whether you’re the dominating or the submissive partner. Don’t force your partner to do anything right immediately; instead, have faith that they will relax with time. It’s critical to remember that you’re both humans who need to take their time to get the most out of your positions.
Obey the rules.
Follow through if you set rules at the start of the dom-sub relationship. Don’t just walk up to your dom and tell them you don’t want to do something. If you’ve set specific ground rules, make sure you follow them.
Traits and roles of the submissive
While the dom has the majority of the power, the sub appreciates being controlled. This is not limited to your bedroom. It comprises all of your daily actions designed to meet your dom’s primary demand. No dom should make the sub labour for them. They are not slaves who prefer to please their partner over themselves. Here are some traits of the submissive partner.
A sub should be very aware of their dominant partner’s moods, body language, and tone of speech.
A good pleaser
A sub should constantly be ready to please their dom and willing to comply with their instructions. They must exude a childlike attitude. In addition, the sub partner should be sexually aroused/fascinated by the presence of their dom.
Completing whatever (sexual or otherwise) tasks given to you by your dominant. It’s also a good idea to apply your observations to what you do to satisfy your dom. Service usually refers to things other than sexuality and play (sessions). Housework, cooking, and other activities make the dominant partner’s household appealing. Essentially, everything done with the explicit goal to satisfy the dominant in any way qualifies as service.
A submissive should trust themselves, their dom, and their decisions. A sub should rely on the dom to make sound judgments for them. A submissive who is very afraid or closed will have a more difficult time developing a solid relationship with a dominant.
This is a crucial characteristic in a submissive. It is the capacity to uphold your dominant’s rules over others. An effective submissive will not act in a way that casts doubt about their devotion to their dominant partner. It is keeping your end of the bargain with your partner to the best of your ability.
This involves gladly obeying your dominant’s terms and doing what you are told in a power exchange relationship. Earnest obedience pleases both the sub and the dom. A submissive does not comply because they are afraid of their dominant. Instead, they obey because they desire to please the dominant.
Keep an Open Mind
This is the ability to look at things with as little preconceived bias as possible. Maintaining one’s ability to learn new things and try something new or different. It works in tandem with growth.
Read: How to be a Submissive
Traits and roles of the dominant
To help you comprehend what’s going on, let me outline some of the dominant partner’s personality traits and roles in a dom-sub relationship.
Patience is a quality of an excellent dominant. The ability to remain patient while not being pushy. The dominant must be compassionate and caring to create a pleasant environment where the submissive can relax more. This does not imply that you should be lax or weak, but rather that you should learn when to push and when not to. Recognizing that it takes time for a submissive to know all the nuances of serving you and having the patience to teach the submit what you want.
Before they can securely control another, a competent dominant must first manage himself. A good dominant is not given to out-of-control behaviour, rage fits, or other activities that demonstrate a lack of self-control. A dominant must control their physical urges to keep a scene safe for their submissive partner.
A decent dom does not prey on the weak. They don’t try to take advantage of novice submissives by using their lack of understanding. On the contrary, they will protect the inexperienced and vulnerable and will do everything in their power to steer them in the correct direction.
An excellent dominant values themselves and is aware of their own limitations. A submissive is not fascinated by a bully. A dominant must have a strong feeling of self-worth, or they will cause significant harm to the submissive’s mind.
A good dom admits their errors. They understand that just because they are a Dom doesn’t mean they are flawless. They will accept responsibility for their mistakes and will make amends wherever possible. If they make a mistake during play, they will honestly apologize and ensure that it does not happen again.
The ability to observe and, at the very least, attempt to comprehend the emotional parts of your submissive’s personality. Understanding and being aware of the plethora of realities that might physically, emotionally, and mentally harm a submissive. Using compassion intelligently to allow a dom to assist their subs and encourage them during stressful moments demonstrates that they are a well-rounded dominant.
A dominant should be courteous to their submissive and other submissives in the vicinity. Being a dominant partner does not give you the right to be nasty or abusive. This involves being polite to your colleagues.
A good dom is reliable and a person of integrity, responsibility, and compassion. He will keep his word and mark his end of the contract. He will tell the truth and act honestly, even if it means losing out. He’s trustworthy, and his word is his bond.
This is true for dominants, but not the same way it is valid for submissives. By and through their dominance, a dominant serves their subordinate. The dominant jointly help the submissive by intelligently utilizing their dominant nature and satisfying the physical and emotional requirements of the submissive.
Submissive rules for a safe, sane and consensual relationship
Many people in the BDSM lifestyle believe that having a secure, sane, and consenting relationship is the key to creating an environment where all persons engaged in a scene feel safe, comfortable, and pleased.
The guidelines listed below will assist you in moving beyond simple rules and beginning to experiment with KINK and BDSM.
- The submissive consents willingly to the Dom-sub relationship and BDSM practices and understands how to withdraw consent.
- The sub will not attempt to change the power dynamic by topping from the bottom or below, i.e. controlling the scene.
- The submissive will trust their dominant to care for them during and after a scene (or their entire relationship), and this trust will reflect in expectations, demands, and regulations.
- The submissive will have a safe word and utilize it appropriately.
- To the best of their ability and in a way that would make their partner proud, the submissive will obey the dominant’s requests/commands.
- The sub will be disciplined by their dom.
Rules for a submissive during playtime
The rules you must follow before and during play in a dom-sub relationship.
- Submissive will never touch themselves in a rewarding or pleasing manner outside of the presence of the Dominant or without the Dominant’s consent.
- A submissive will never touch a sex toy unless specifically commanded to do so.
- After play or sexual activity, the submissive will always appreciate the dominant.
- If a submissive is given masturbation instructions prior to asking, they must follow them to the best of their ability.
- Before each orgasm the submissive must ask permision to orgasm.
- The submissive must thank the dominant after each orgasm
- If a submissive wishes to purchase a new sex toy, they must show Dominant so that they can make a mutual decision.
- During the play, the submissive will not speak except to say their safe word or the Dominant says so.
- The submissive may request a certain sexual act before beginning the scenario, but not during it.
- Once the play has begun, the Dominant has complete authority and expects complete participation from the submissive.
- Submissive will have sex whenever the Dominant wishes, unless their health stops them from doing so.
- After sex the submissive must clean off the dom’s cock with their mouth.
- In the morning when the submissive wakes up they will ask the dom if they need cockwarming.
- When a submissive is not feeling well enough to engage in sexual activity, they will notify the dominant.
- The submissive must not abuse their safe word. It is only employed when they believe their personal safety, either bodily or mental (including terror), is jeopardized.
Respect and care are essential in a genuinely dom-sub relationship. The only difference here is that rigorous regulations have been created that must be followed to keep both sides happy and content. All good BDSM trips begin with an open discussion about what both people want to learn. What, for example, do they fantasize about? Is it more appealing to them to be wholly obedient or to have complete control? They can then begin to plan out situations that fit inside those criteria.