How To Be a Dom: 4 Steps To Tame Top Drop (Aftercare)

If you’ve wanted to be a dom, you may have heard the term “aftercare“. Conscientious kinksters use this practice after an intense sex BDSM session. In most cases, it ensures the sub is brought back to reality with care and affection. Doms get them drinks, food, blankets, cuddles, or whatever else they need. 

But this physical, mental, and emotional aftermath of BDSM play can lead to unstable states of consciousness, and people think that this only happens to subs, but that is not always the case. Doms also experience emotional drops, so this post will explain the four steps you need to follow to resolve top drops.

What is Dom Drop or Top Drop?

Tops have different altered states compared to bottoms, but they also exist. That intense focus on carrying out a scene, making sure it’s safe, and keeping it hot can cause a crash afterward. Tops occasionally enact forbidden desires, portraying the “bad guy” and doing prohibited things in everyday life. The act can flow perfectly, and still, the top may feel guilty, ashamed, or disgusted about their actions in the end. It might happen immediately, or a couple of hours or days later, and it’s called a top drop or dom drop.

You must know that top drops, like sub drops, come in different forms to be a dom. As the adrenaline reaches its limit and slowly or suddenly drops, you may feel unstable. You could feel embarrassed by how “rough” you were just now. You can be self-conscious, afraid that you weren’t “good enough.” You can criticize yourself for not being “perfect” if the scene didn’t quite work out. Or you can simply be in a terrible mood after a scene, party, or event. So what can you do?

4 Steps for Dom Aftercare

If you find yourself in this situation, you should never forget that feeling this way and seeking to be cared for would never make you less of a dom. So here are some ideas that you can catch to cope with a top-drop or dom-drop.

1. Be Open to Communicating Your Needs

Communication is key. First and foremost, speak with your partner. Make sure to discuss each other’s needs after playtime. If you’re inexperienced or if it’s your first time looking to be a dom as BDSM partners, you might need a bit more time together before you could ultimately find out who needs what. Feeling held and noticed by your partner might help you avoid top drop altogether. If it does, obtaining aftercare might assist you in regaining control of your mind.

So, before you start playing, make sure to have the answers to your thoughts on aftercare. The common questions that come to your mind can be:

  • Why is there a need for aftercare?
  • How would it be carried out?
  • How soon do you require it (immediately, the following day, etc.)?
  • Who will carry it out?

2. Make a Plan

Devise a strategy based on the questions above, this can vary greatly. Your demands may occasionally coincide in terms of timing and style, and you’ll be able to support each other. However, following a scene, either partner may opt to self-soothe or seek aftercare from someone who did not engage in the scene. Put some techniques in place ahead of time, whether you tend to feel drop shortly after a scene or hours or days after.

3. Execute Your Required Aftercare Practices

You could, for example, be insecure about your skills or embarrassed with what you have done. Your partner may require some tender loving care as well as feedback on how well they performed. Cuddling and affirming each other about the scene may create an atmosphere that can put both partner’s insecurities to rest.

You can, however, take turns. Perhaps some nibbles and a drink, as well as some caressing, is necessary. When they have returned to a more normal state of mind, you can also ask them ahead of time to look after you (and explain how). Thus aftercare practices will help you build strong post play relationships.

4. Have Constants

Finally, to be a dom make sure you have support if you have top drop frequently. Especially if there is a strong sense of guilt or insecurity and it lasts more than a few hours. Have a friend or two nearby who are just a text or call away. And, if you know you’ll have difficulties in the hours or days after a scene, ask your partner to check in on you, even if they’re not your usual partner.

However, if you are still in search of one, there are also groups that you can check out. They can be your local kink groups, or you can find some on Foxtail and discover people with similar interests and struggles to chat to online or in person. The things we perform may be emotionally draining, socially unacceptable, but physically demanding at times! You are not alone. Take care of yourself and your partner, and remember that you, too, deserve to be taken care of!

If you want to read out similar articles, feel free to check out our site. You can also connect with sex-positive neighbours check out Foxtail.

BDSM Safe Practices During Scenes

There are risks in BDSM and Kinky Play. There’s no denying or escaping that fact, so this post isn’t about safe sex or the risks associated with certain activities. Instead, it’s about learning safe BDSM practices that guarantee the best experience with this kink play. 

If you are practising BDSM with informed consent and have the appropriate knowledge, you can co-create your desired scene. At times you will be pushing your body to its limits, and it is essential to be fully aware of what that means for you and your play partners. 

In BDSM, safety is a priority and should be the first topic to discuss before play can begin. SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) and RACK  (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) are two acronyms in BDSM that refer to principles required for safety. It is inferred in BDSM that you will be doing things considered risky so when we are talking about safety in BDSM we mean “as safe as can be in a precarious situation.” These two mantras are well-known in the community and serve as a guideline for determining whether or not a particular activity is safe and agreed-upon.

Let’s learn what practices can ensure safety in BDSM play.

Safe Words Ensure BDSM Safety During Scenes

Safe Word is a word or a short phrase a person in a BDSM or play scene uses if the scenario becomes too intense. It is a crucial element of BDSM safe practices during play. A safeword is a phrase or word that is used to stop play immediately. It can be used if a scene/play/activity participant has been injured, is uneasy, overwhelmed, or emotionally troubled. Trauma and unexplored emotions can be triggered by intense play.

The sight of a male chastity device may be enough to push some people over the limit. Also, sometimes one of the partners may awaken intense and sometimes uncomfortable emotions or experiences during a scene. Those kinds of experiences must be dealt with before proceeding.

Short and Simple Safe Words

A safeword should be short. It shouldn’t be hard to recall and pronounce during difficult positions or intense scenes. Also, it shouldn’t be “stop” or “no” because these words are used often. I will add that, whenever playing a role in a scene, “no” is a sign to continue in most cases.

Instead, some individuals prefer the traffic light system, in which “green” means go ahead, “yellow” means pause or slow down, and “red” means stop. It’s critical to keep your safe word short and simple so that you can remember it throughout your BDSM scenario. For many submissives, being in scene provides a natural high.

This is called “subspace,” which may cause you to lose your capacity to communicate. You may also use a safe action like dropping the ball instead of a safe word. It may also be helpful if you can’t make out your safe word because you’re using a ball gag.

Dom can Use Safe Words, Too

If you’re the Dominant partner in a BDSM session, establishing a safe word is also beneficial for you. Typically people think about how intense and possibly painful it can be for the submissive, but the scene can be just as fierce for the Dominant. Contrary to popular belief, both the Dominant and the submissive have control in the scene and both can interrupt the play at any time they need to.

This is why it is crucial to have a safe word or a signal to stop if the Dom(me) needs a break. This can be especially helpful for newer Dom(me)’s who are learning their limits and bounds while leading BDSM scenes.

Physical Safety

In a BDSM scene, physical and emotional safety is paramount when there is the danger of drawing blood, choking, and any other possible bodily injury. It is necessary to provide a quick way out of things in an emergency. Cuffs should have easy access to a key, and heavy-duty scissors are a must.

While pressure is usually enjoyed, be careful not to tie anything too tight as it constricts and stops the circulation. Also, knowing key spots to avoid, like arteries are easily injured places on the body is a must when doing bondage. This is necessary when using restraining tools like rope, cuffs, etc.

Impact toys such as floggers and whips can cause bleeding and compromise BDSM best practices during scenes. Not only should you be concerned about disease transmission via fluids, but you should also consider the possibility of severe accident or injury if you target a body part with insufficient protection. For example, meatier parts like the buttocks and backs of the thighs are good targets, but going for the bare lower back might impair the kidneys.

It would also be best to treat open wounds as soon as possible. Whereas some people enjoy bruises, severe buttock bruises might make it challenging to sit following a scene. Make sure you have the appropriate tools for aftercare: do you need ice after an intense impact scene? Or bandaids for any open wounds?

Important Tip on BDSM

An important BDSM tip is to avoid binding somebody’s neck without the proper tools (like this collar) as this might result in asphyxiation, which was the cause of the death of David Carradine, an actor who was apparently into autoerotic asphyxiation.

If you’re playing with more than one partner, make sure all toys are clean and sterilized. Porous materials like leather may retain germs lasting days. If used on several people, this tends to spread illnesses. On the other hand, some materials you may easily sterilize are glass, steel, plastic, and silicone.

The Final Words

Remember that kinky play can be fun and more enjoyable if followed by BDSM safe practices. Don’t let an avoidable mishap ruin your scene! Read and learn more aspects of BDSM on our site. You can also connect with other like-minded individuals in the Meet Others section.

BDSM Contracts And Negotiations: The Basics

Have you ever wondered if you really need to bother with a BDSM contract? Do BDSM contracts guarantee a healthy relationship?

Regardless of who you are playing with or if sex is a component of your playtime, BDSM contracts make relationships more manageable. These contracts have principles that can guarantee a healthy relationship. In reality, the notions of health, safety, and consent are the foundations of BDSM. These three values need to be constantly present to sustain a healthy and pleasurable BDSM relationship. Here’s why…

Importance of BDSM Contract

RACK is commonly found as the foundation to negotiating BDSM play. RACK stands for “risk-aware, consensual, kink.” Some prefer RACK over SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) since it emphasizes that whatever safety precautions you take to play responsibly, BDSM still carries some risk factors. Whichever principle you follow, safety is non-negotiable.

BDSM activities commonly occur in a scene with a specific starting and ending point; however, some components of BDSM play, such as serving your Master/Mistress, may be added to your everyday sex life. Before and after discussions about scenes, ensure you and your partner know what to anticipate and offers a means for you to reconnect and recover after a physically and emotionally hard session.

BDSM Contracts and Negotiations

The notion of consent is something that the casual viewer may not see, but safe, healthy, and agreed-upon practices defines limitations before the scene— clearly outlining what you are and are not ready to do. Although a submissive may experience pain that seems to stretch them to their boundaries, a good Dominant understands the limitations, and both of them communicate the expectations ahead.  Clear consent is a key factor in a working partnership in BDSM contracts.

Hard and Soft Limits in BDSM Contracts

You don’t have to negotiate your scene very formally. If you prefer, you can also mention that paddles are all right, but you’re not ready for canes. In BDSM contracts, hard limits are known to be things you never want to try, while soft limits are considered things you might want to try or try with caution.

BDSM Checklists

A BDSM checklist is a helpful tool to consider. You may use it to demonstrate an interest (or disinterest) in specific BDSM categories and determine where your likes intersect with your companion. You may also use the checklist to reference items you will do to your partner throughout a scene or vice versa.

Negotiations entail the signing of a contract for certain persons. The notion of a contract may seem too formal or absurd, however, some people prefer it. Your contract can also state how much time you and your partner wish to spend with each other and even outline expectations for aftercare. Some people make temporary or short-term contracts for a single play session, while others accept them for years while agreeing to review the contract when necessary.

Safe Words, Nicknames, and Health-Restrictions

The contract may also include a safe word, nicknames or titles, any restrictions, and essential health-related information. You can talk about Aftercare Practices and Safe Words in contracts. For instance, you may include any STIs, allergies, injuries, or diseases that may influence how you play, such as arthritis, anxiety, and low blood pressure.

Of course, to define some aspects, especially for basic or casual scenes, you don’t particularly need a written contract. However, you may verbally apply the contract and checklists to create more solid rules and prepare in detail ahead of your scenes.

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The Benefits Of Kink To People With Disabilities

Our culture implies that people with disabilities shouldn’t be sexual beings. The public sees them as objects of sympathy and not allowed to be overly sexual, sensual, or domineering. The expectation is for them to be quiet, constrained, and meek. They shouldn’t be assertive, open, or even human, but the world of kink treats them with embracing difference. BDSM and can be inclusive spaces for folks with disabilities to also be sexual beings with unique needs and desires.

Kink + Accessibility Go Together

Kink is all about informed consent and getting your needs met. Whether that’s having an extra pillow under your knees for comfort or tying the rope tighter for more enjoyable pressure, kink relies on clear communiation to work well. People with disabilities are constantly having to advocate for their needs even though they may not get them from their schools, work, etc. Since kink already prioritizes needs, it is a naturally healing space for people with disabilities to be heard and actually get their needs met.

Kink Builds Confidence

Kink assists people with disabilities in building confidence through role play. The act of role-playing allows people to experience the feeling of power, surrender and even control. Seeing your own power or even ability to surrender in a scene can help a person feel good about themselves and build confidence. Kink can help to overcome the feeling of not being enough. It also gives people with disabilities the chance to be free and explore themselves without the confines of societal expectation or misgivings of others.

Kink is Cathartic

Some folks report catharsis and pain relief in – get this – impact play! Some people who live with chronic pain report feeling a sense of release and a reduction in pain when participating in pain-related play, which is likely due to the rush and release of dopamine, seratonin and adrenaline. Other people find it therapeutic to express intense feelings in scene they have difficulty expressing in vanilla life. Kink provides a safe, private space to express and release things carried over from the day to day lived experience without repercussions.

Anyone interested in kink has the power and right to learn kinky practices and benefit from it’s healing. Never forget that you are the only one who sets your limits! Society doesn’t get to dictate the pleasure and fun you get to have. You do.

Check out our blog for similar posts. Connect with other kinksters who want to play with you in our sex-positive community here. What’s the fun if you don’t socialize? You can also leave a comment below. We appreciate your views too.