Checking In: Ongoing Consent and Ways to Ask for It
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Can I touch you?
This is only one of the most underrated ways to ask for Consent when you’re feeling a little bit of a vibe from this person you’re seeing.
You may think that this woke society has the art of checking in pinned down, but you’ve never been so wrong in your whole life. Granted that Consent has been thrust in the forefront of the conversation, it’s still miles away from being commonplace, which sadly says a lot about our evolution as a race.
Consent as an Ongoing Thing
Consent isn’t just a one-time thing, though. It’s an ongoing process that caters to different levels of intimacy. A person might be into some hand-holding with you, but that doesn’t mean that they’d be into kissing you.
Consent, by definition, is permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. Simple, right? Yet, some people still struggle with the notion that it can easily be taken away just as it’s easily given.
When is Consent Important?
ALL 👏 THE 👏 DAMN 👏 TIME.
There are no ifs or buts in this matter. You better ask for permission before you get up on anyone’s business. It’s not just in sex but in all aspects of life. It’s a sign of respect to others and yourself that you’re willing to go through the trouble – and the risk of killing the mood – to ask for Consent. And it doesn’t take much of you to have the courtesy to do so.
No Means No & Yes Means No
Consent and Sex come hand-in-hand. You can’t have Sex without Consent: that’s rape! Many skirt around this topic because it’s uncomfortable, but we need to educate people that you should always consider the feelings of others. No means No, and Yes (sometimes) also means No.
Does this mean that you’ll stop having Sex altogether because Yes, apparently, means No as well? Of course not! We’re establishing the fact that when you ask for Consent, you should always make sure that it is freely given and without force.
There will be times when you’ll be forced to say Yes even if you aren’t fully into it (DANGER ALERT). So it’s important to acknowledge and practice consciously checking in with your partner/s as an equally conscious participant in any sexual activity.
Pleasure from Permission
Besides, isn’t it more pleasurable to have relations when Consent is given?
When you check in with your partner/s before, during, and after Sex, it gives you a heightened feeling of trust and confidence in yourself – a pleasurable kind of validation that someone else liked what you did to them. Someone liked your touches enough that they allowed you into their body and enjoyed it.
There is pleasure from permission – remember that.
Checking In: A Questioning Art
But how do you check in without seeming like a mood-killer? Interrupting mid-kiss just to ask if you can touch a boob doesn’t sound hot, does it?
Checking in doesn’t have to kill the heat, though. It should amp it up! Asking for something from your partner/s, especially if it’s sexual in nature, should actually turn you on. They value your feelings and opinion, and that is why they are asking you if it’s go or no.
So, here are ways you can artfully ask for Consent and continuously do so during:
1. Just Ask
Explicitly ask for what you want. It doesn’t get any easier or more artful than that.
Sometimes bluntness is hot, and you don’t have to overcomplicate everything in your head. Do you want to have Sex? Just ask. Do you want to try new kinks? Just ask. Do you want to try a new sex trick? Just Ask. You’d be surprised at the response when you ask for what you want. Do you want me to continue giving you head? Just freaking ask.
Of course, asking for sexual Consent should be because you have a current relationship or dynamic established; if there isn’t, then that’s just creepy.
2. Say What’s on Your Mind
Be upfront with what you’re thinking. Sometimes, all it takes is a few delicately chosen words from your pretty little mouth to ignite the flame. By saying what’s on your mind, you’re literally giving the other person the signal to kiss you, touch you, hug you, and a whole lot of other things.
Here are some Subtle and Indirect Verbal Signals:
- Your lips look so soft.
- You smell really nice.
- You look sexy today.
Here are some Explicit and Direct Verbal Signals:
- I want to kiss your sexy body.
- You look so hot in that shirt but even hotter when it’s off.
- I’m going to hit the shower, and I’d like you to join me.
These are just some of the things you could say to your partner that would instantly turn them on and Consent to some steamy loving.
3. Body Language
Verbal cues are no-brainers. Any person can ask or tell someone they like what they want to do in the sack. Now, reading body language is a different story. It takes time and patience to master this skill but considering that we’re talking about asking for Consent with a person you’re acquainted with and have that undeniable vibe, then this might be a little easier.
It’s like when you’re playing poker with your friends; you’re trying to find their tell. Think of this other person and their tells – it can be a pat on your arm, a hair flip, or a wry smile. Hey, when you know, you know. But the most obvious body language tells that you can spot are longing stares, lip biting, and being grabbed by the collar for a full-on make-out session.
Again, when you know, you know. Then again, if you suck at reading non-verbal cues – please refer to the previous entries before this one.
Let’s double back on Consent being ongoing – just because you’re half-naked and ready to seal the deal doesn’t mean one of you can’t back out.
Consent is reversible. It can be withdrawn at any moment a sexual participant chooses to do so. It can be mid-orgasm, and it’ll still be a valid withdrawal of permission. What everyone needs to get into their heads is that no one owes anyone their Consent. So if you’ve ever been turned down after they’ve undressed you, don’t go being an ass about it.
Your body is yours to give and take, just like everyone else. And if someone makes you uncomfortable, you don’t owe them politeness.
It’s important to remember that checking in exists to protect you from doing something you’ll regret or something distressing. Don’t ever feel ashamed for withdrawing Consent. Do it when you need to. Do it when you want to.
All You Have to do is Ask
Many people have a hard time verbalizing their desires and just assume that the other person is on the same page. And when you look at things with rose-colored glasses, signals get confusing from they want to be kissed to they’re just being polite and vice versa.
It may not be easy to discern which is which, and that’s normal. But to make sure that you’re not going to step on any toes or boundaries – ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK. It’s the most effective way to rid yourself of inhibitions and fear of causing harm.
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