Humans have so many desires that they are afraid to admit, especially kink. If you are in BDSM, kink is an integral part of your sexual identity. Different humans are sexually attracted to different kinks. Discussing kink with your partner is crucial for a healthy relationship as they make you and your partner aware of the limitations and boundaries. Talking about a kink that intrigues you might be embarrassing, but it doesn’t have to be!
If you are confused about where to begin and how-to, we are here to help you understand and share your secret sexual desires.
Why Remain Silent?
Communication is vital for any healthy relationship. Being open to your partner about your needs, desires, and experiences will lead to fulfilling sex. Your partner can only understand you if you share with them! So why do we feel shame about sharing our kinky desires and thoughts?
Being vulnerable is difficult enough in relationships, let alone when we confess our kinky dreams to our Beloved. It’s ok to feel shame and shyness when discussing your sexual needs, but practice makes perfect, and you’ll never get your needs met if you don’t speak up. Speaking up gives you and your partner the chance to tackle what’s at hand together. You might be surprised at how speaking up brings you two closer together.
Why Discussing Kink is Important?
When people don’t talk about kink, it affects their emotional intimacy, self-esteem, and trust. It can be impossible to build strong and happy relationships under false pretenses and dishonesty. If partners cannot talk about their kink, needs, and even desired sex scene, this is a sign that there is a communication problem in the relationship. Dissatisfaction with sex life leads to resentment, resulting in couples’ conflicts, betrayal, or breakup.
Realizing the Importance of Kinky Conversation
Both partners need to realize that everyone has a right to secret sexual fantasies. Humans are biologically programmed to feel arousal and desire sex in different ways. It’s completely normal! Listening to your own kinky desires and sharing them with your partner opens up the relationships to more love, confidence, and respect for one another as individuals and as partners.
Fantasies and secret desires can be strong stimulants. You can share stories, images, and details with your partner. If you’re playing with your long-term, trusted partner, leave room for spontaneity and organic flow after you share your fantasies – start off simple. No need for intense protocol or analytics at first. Give yourselves room to grow and reach for more as you continue to build trust and intimacy.
You need to take some time to reflect on your own sexual desire: what gets you aroused, what do you fantasize about? Sometimes it isn’t easy to voice secret desires in the heat of the moment. Make time with your partner to have an intimate and dedicated conversation about what you’re fantasizing about. You never know, your partner may know their kinky fantasies, but they might not broadcast them.
It is also helpful to give feedback in real-time, while you’re engaged in sexual acts with your partner “I like when you touch me here” or “That feels good, keep going (harder or softer or stay the same)”.
This kind of openness sets the stage for more honesty and communication, making it easier to hear each other over time. Both in and out of the bedroom.
When to Speak?
Establishing an intimate dialogue about sex is easy if you follow these basic rules:
1. Don’t introduce a brand new idea you want to try right before having sex. If you’re already turned on and heading to Sex City, interrupting the journey by stopping and introducing something brand new can be disruptive. Your partner wants to have sex, not talk. Choose an appropriate moment for this conversation: in a hot bath, over dinner with a glass of champagne, or talking in bed. The main thing is that you two are in a good mood and fully present. Everyone is calm, happy, and content.
2. Be open and speak simply with your partner. Do not try to explain your preferences in scientific terms or the words of some famous sexologist. You do not have to defend your sexual preferences to your partner. Just be yourself! If they don’t get it, that’s ok. It’s just a preference, like wanting chocolate ice cream over cookies n cream. Work together to understand each other’s viewpoints.
3. Choose the right tone. The same thing is perceived differently depending on how you say it. When you offer your partner a new sex game or experiment, remember the voice you use should be calm, soothing, and confident. Your partner will be more receptive to your tone, allowing the conversation to go smoothly.
4. When both partners agree to sexual experimentation, you need to clearly discuss the rules in advance. Not during sex, not immediately after sex, but in advance before sex so that each of you knows what your partner is doing and why they are doing it. Describe the process you envision and discuss the desires this satisfies for both of you.
Threesome Sex: How to Bring it up?
Threesomes are very common for couples who have been partnered for some time and have developed healthy communication. The most successful couples have already mastered expressing their sexual desires, and both partners are respectful of each other’s fantasies. If you and your partner do not have a foundation for solid trust and intimacy, a threesome should be a fantasy put off for a later time. Remember, it can be important to share fantasies with your Lover without acting on them as you grow together. You can share the dream of the fantasy without immediately putting it into action. This builds up the relationship so you can work toward that experience together one day.
It is important to define the boundaries of who both partners feel comfortable inviting in for the threesome. For example, do you want it to be a one-night stand? A friend? A cute acquaintance? Realize that you or your partner may or may not want to see the person again after the act, so how does this play into your fantasy? What boundaries do you need to protect and prioritize the relationship for more sexual exploration for years to come?
But be aware of group sex with your friends! On the one hand, the idea of inviting friends into your bed can be comforting because of the established trust already present. On the other hand, an experience of this magnitude may change the dynamics of a friendship forever.
What Can Help You Discuss Kink?
If it’s too awkward to start talking about kink out of nowhere, you can give signs. For example, find a movie where a scene shows what you want to try in sex and watch it with your partner. You can find out about each other’s preferences in a game format. For example, make a list with different sexual desires, fill it out, and check what your partner chose.
Another way to scout the situation is to ask your partner what they masturbate to or imagine when they caress themselves. You can agree to masturbate in front of each other to encourage intimacy and pleasure.
All of these tricks are meant to show people that talking only makes sex better. This will make it easier for them to talk about it later. If partners cannot understand their desires or accept each other’s needs, it is worth contacting a specialist. Sex therapists and couples therapists can provide the guidance and structure needed to get your relationship to the next sexy level.
What Kind of Reaction to Expect?
There is no one-size-fits-all piece of advice or magic phrases for talking about kink. However, there are general principles that should be adhered to when discussing such sensitive topics.
Abandon Gender Stereotypes
Good sex is the responsibility of both partners. The conversation starts with the one who needs it more and not who supposedly should take the initiative.
Don’t wait for your partner to figure it out. People often expect their partners to guess what they want. However, nobody can read minds. Tell them what you want and give them a chance to explore.
Calling a Spade a Spade
To make it easier for partners to understand each other, you need to speak directly. The phrase “press harder on my clit” sounds much clearer than “I want more.”
Most people are already embarrassed to talk about sex, so you shouldn’t create additional stress. If Your partner tells you about a certain activity different from your preferred one, don’t criticize. Criticism and “yucking their yum” will only lead to more communication hesitancy.
Focus not only on your own needs but also on the needs of your partner. Healthy relationships require communication and reciprocity. You can ask your partner what position they like best, what they fantasize about, and what they would like to try. But be prepared for no’s. No one is obliged to do what they do not like and just because your partner does not like something doesn’t mean they do not like you.
Bring Each other to the Same Table
If you can present your kink desires in such a way that your partner perceives them as their own, then both of you will win. While entering this territory, you need to be aware that there is always a risk. The fear of misunderstanding might be holding you back, but your partner might be up for the kinky stuff you want to do with them. But first, you need to tell them this.
If you are worried that your kink ideas might enrage or make your partner hostile towards you, then that partner might not be with the right one for you. So don’t refuse to talk about it, and don’t withhold information from your partner. If you think that your partner’s ideas about intimacy are fundamentally different than yours, you need to:
- Discuss this with your partner, which means expressing your thoughts and emotions, and checking if you have some common ground.
- Ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you?
The Bottom Line
Remember, silence about your kink(s) fences you off from unforgettable orgasms. Perhaps your partner also has a couple fantasies that they are afraid to admit. Be bold! Your life, your sex, your orgasms, and your pleasures depend on you. You create your own life, and you should not be ashamed of yourself!