BDSM Ultimate Guide 2022

BDSM can be intimidating for newbies, so let’s start with the fundamentals: “BDSM” is an acronym that stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission and sadomasochism—the cornerstones of kinky enjoyment.

Welcome to Foxtail, where we will guide you on some of the most used terms in BDSM. If you want to learn more about BDSM, make a free account on Foxtail and meet BDSM-curious and seasoned pros alike.

There’s an entire language for describing consensual power exchange under the BDSM umbrella. Developing this language takes time, experience and practice. There are foundational terms you can start with: words like Top/Bottom, Dominant/Submissive and one of the most important, aftercare. 

A key, often overlooked part of practicing BDSM is providing aftercare for all parties involved. Whether giving or receiving pain, impact play and so on, it requires a lot of energy and effort. At first this can make the participants feel blissful, even high! However when all is said and done, folks can experience a drop from the flooding of pleasurable emotions, called a drop. This is why it is important to not only think about what you’re going to do in scene but also after to provide comfort and appreciation afterwards. 

Dive into the vocabulary that helps describe your kinks and desires. This will help you find what’s out there and communicate clearly with people who want the same things as you so you can make your BDSM fantasies a delicious reality.

BDSM

What exactly is BDSM?

BDSM is widely misunderstood. Sex is not always a part of practicing and playing with BDSM, however it is typically seen as erotic – regardless of if there is sex.  Sometimes people mistakenly claim that BDSM is abusive or wrong, however if practiced properly then it is completely consensual and safety considerations are paramount, even if people are doing risky things like knife play or bondage.

BDSM plays with power, control, submission and Dominance. Participants often enjoy a wide range of sensations exploring the relationship to giving or receiving pleasure and pain or being restricted or even controlling another person. 

Because so much of our lives are controlled, it’s excellent for many people to surrender their power and be taken control of. Consider this: External pressures determine your employment schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes. BDSM provides a world of freedom to play, experiment, and let someone else take the reins. On the other hand, if you like to be in charge, you can call the shots and fully take control in a scene (consensually of course).

If you’re new to BDSM, it can be difficult to envisage it as anything other than a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades) with chains and whips to excite you. And while props are frequently used in practice, they are not necessary straight away. Instead, at the beginning, take things slowly discussing what sensations and scenes you imagine enjoying, until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s) because someone else’s approaches may not be right for you.

The BDSM Spectrum

Approximately half of the general population has participated in BDSM-related behaviours at least once. There is a wide range of ways to experience BDSM, from light, gentle play to supreme domination and inflicting pain. The beauty of BDSM is exploring what might be right for you.

BDSM is shrouded in stigma

There is a particular stigma around BDSM. This is because in pop culture associating sexuality with pain, power show, and humiliation rather than romance and tenderness is seen as “messed up” or taboo. Nonetheless, ancient cultures accepted the use of physical and mental pain play in an erotic setting considerably more than current western society.

This stigma can result in folks feeling anxious or secretive about disclosing their BDSM interest or lifestyle. This stigma also stops the spread of accurate and helpful information, which sometimes leads people to participating in acts that are dangerous because they do not fully understand the risks. This is why education, awareness and community are highly important! You would probably be surprised to know many more people are curious about BDSM than you realize! Join Foxtail to find curious BDSM goers like you.  It is a totally valid, human desire that should not be supressed or shamed.

Psychological aspects

BDSM can actually have beneficial psychological effects for it’s participants, contrary to much of the stigma that it might inflict more harm. One of the foundational practices of BDSM is consent: communicating boundaries, desires and hard limits clearly and having those limits respected. Much of life is inflicted upon us or out of our control so experiencing pleasure, surrender and/or power in a safe environment can be protective and even repair past traumas for participants – if practiced properly! Make sure you’re clearly communicating with your play partners, check out our Blog for more resources on how to do this.

Safety advise and special considerations.

It is critical that BDSM includes consent. Partnerships must ensure that everyone gives an enthusiastic YES  and establishes clear limits. Formal agreements, verbal agreements, and informal dialogues about desires and restrictions can all be used to create these boundaries. Because of the intensity of some BDSM scenes, it is imperative to agree on a Safe Word and Safe Signal before play. A safe word is a verbal cue while a safe signals should be determined if you’re participating in play that might surpress use of the voice – for example if you’re using a ball gag. 

A popular system to use is Red-Green-Yellow, like a stoplight. Red means hard stop, Green is all good to go and yellow means slow down.

Why does BDSM feel good?

Consider athletes who push the limits of their physical comfort to achieve runner’s highs or those who seek thrill through risky sports like skydiving. Consider how much joy a spicy food enthusiast feels when a pepper bite causes their lips to erupt or how terrified they feels when riding a rollercoaster or watching a horror film. BDSM is a similar stretching of your limits and experiencing a rush of accomplishment: whether that be tying someone up or receiving a flogging.

How to Practice BDSM?

You can begin by experimenting with some novel applications of BDSM. Some experts recommend taking lessons or reading books for intense erotic activities as safety is paramount. Some actions are dangerous and could result in injury if not properly safeguarded. Check out videos online, read more on our Blog and chat with season pros on Foxtail to get a taste of what’s out there.

Due to the intensity of some scenes and the sensitivity required to create them, it is critical that each person involved feels at ease and can completely express their wishes, limits, boundaries, and anything else they think is necessary to disclose.

Roleplaying with BDSM: The Possibilities Are Endless

Role playing is a popular aspect of BDSM. People are able to embody different characteristics and express themselves in ways that might be outside of their typical personality. For example, some women who embody the traditional nurturing feminine role in their day to day life can find great enjoyment in being a fierce and punishing Domme with her eager submissive. It’s quite common to find high powered, wealthy men as devoted submissives, releasing control and abandoning all of their accomplishments once they enter a scene with their Mistress.

Another way role play might show up is in power exchange scenes where there is a story playing out such as a (always consensual) kidnapping, blackmail situation, affair, or religious ritual. These storylines and the acts going on in these stories are pre-agreed by the participants. This is part of what makes BDSM taboo: the ability to explore the desires most feel embarassed or confused by.

What is the role of BDSM Sex in Relationships?

As mentioned before, BDSM and sex are not mutually exclusive. A BDSM scene or partnership does not require sex to be valid, however many times the scenes and fantasies the players are exploring are erotic in nature – even if there is no sex. The players in the scenes get to decide if they want to participate in sex acts and which ones. Part of the beauty of BDSM and why it can be healing for some, is because it builds intimacy without the implied pressure for sex. People can experience pleasure, closeness and bonding with another person without feeling forced to trade sex for the experience. That being said, there is no shame is having sex with your BDSM partner. You get to choose your own adventure!

BDSM and the law: What you need to know

Different states have different rules about various acts that you might find in BDSM. This also contributes to the behind-closed-doors nature of BDSM. Check out the laws and restrictions in your specific state and make sure wherever you are participating in BDSM it is out of sight from children and minors. Even if there is consent between two adults, authorities still may have grounds to interrupt, so make sure you’re playing in safe spaces. 

Types of BDSM

There is a vast array of BDSM acts you can play with. BDSM can use pain and humiliation or role-play scenarios of dominance or submission. On the other hand BDSM can be centered around light sensation play or even rewards for chores in the forms of spankings. The world of BDSM is your oyster, so don’t be shy to be creative!

Bondage play

Bondage is a BDSM activity in which instruments restrain one participant during sexual interaction. The most frequent restraints are rope, leather straps, bondage tape, ties, handcuffs, spreader bars, ball gags, blindfolds, and chains. These restrictions are intended to limit the subject’s senses or freedom of movement to place control in the hands of the other partner and increase trust. While in bondage, the Top can decide how to illicit different sensations in their partner: from tickling them with a feather to scratching them with spiked wheels. Some folks enjoy sensory deprivation where they are in complete bondage and cannot move, usually with their eyes and ears covered as well. 

Discipline

The dominating partner establishes rules that the submissive partner must follow in the disciplinary aspect of BDSM. These regulations can be sexual or implicitly erotic. If the submissive partner violates a rule, the dominant partner will impose punishment, including withholding pleasure, inflicting pain, or imposing new regulations. In disciplinary roleplay, both partners get satisfaction in playing with power and control.

Dominance and submission

Dominance and submission are concerned with exchanging power and energy between partners. During a given interaction, one person generally dominates the other physically, cognitively, emotionally, or sexually. Switches are practitioners who enjoy switching between dominant and submissive positions in a relationship or experiencing a power exchange in a single encounter.

Sadomasochism

Sadomasochism is a form of BDSM in which individuals receive pleasure and an endorphin surge from inflicting or receiving pain. Sadists are people who take pleasure in inflicting this suffering, while masochists take pleasure in experiencing it.

What about Shibari?

Shibari is simply tying up a person for aesthetic purposes—perhaps in a gorgeous or elaborate design, usually with some rope. While Shibari is most commonly employed as a demonstration of skill and creativity, it has also been traditionally utilised as meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two people.

Tell me the purpose of Shibari?

Shibari promotes self-care, self-love, self-confidence, self-exploration, and positive bodily qualities like empathy and attunement. Partners frequently describe this as “deepening their intimacy with one another and forming a stronger bond.” It can also be a way to push the rope bottom’s (persona being tied) limits by holding positions for longer than is comfortable while being tied. Upon being untied, the rope bottom or rope bunny may feel a rush of relief and relaxation from stretching out of their comfort zone.

Tell me the benefits of BDSM?

More people, including scholars, are recognising the advantages of BDSM. It can assist in relieving stress and even establishing trust in relationships, for example.

Stress Levels Reduced

According to some studies, partaking in BDSM practices might cause biological responses similar to the serenity you might feel after or after a fulfilling yoga session or the “runner’s high” you receive from intensive cardio. These exercises can lessen the amount of cortisol (also known as the stress hormone) in your body.

Lowering cortisol helps us feel better mentally and it can also improve our physical health. Lower cortisol levels protect us from health problems, such as high blood pressure, weakened immunity, and insulin resistance.

Improves Mental Health International Society for Sexual Medicine researchers undertook a study to explicitly analyse the mental well-being of those who like participating in BDSM. They did so by examining the essential personality qualities of each individual.

These characteristics included their attachment styles in relationships, general well-being, and how sensitive they were to rejection compared to a control group.

Increases Trust

In addition to improving your overall communication skills, those who use BDSM with their long-term partners generally report a greater sense of trust.

Improved Communication Skills

While some may believe the opposite, discussing parts of BDSM with your spouse can improve your sexual relationship and bring you closer together.

How many people practise BDSM?

About 47 percent of men and women fantasise about dominating sexually, whereas somewhat more females and slightly fewer guys feel intimidated. According to the survey, over 47 percent would like to have a different sexual experience, and 34 per cent have done so in the past. It’s no wonder that when you search for “BDSM” on Google, this page receives over 500 million hits.

The importance of communication, consent and using safe words

How can someone striking you not be considered a crime? It is the strength of acceptance. “Anthropologists frequently consider the importance of consent as dependent on the subject’s observed behavioural indications of curiosity or willingness.” “The BDSM community goes a step farther, needing both explicit and tacit agreement.”

The history of BDSM

Suprisingly, the church is a big part of the history of BDSM. In the 10th Century, monks participated in the practice of self-flagilation as a way to show their devotion to God. Little did they know, they were also receiving an extreme endorphin release making them enter into a blissful state, often receiving “holy visions.”

Throughout the ages you can see instances of people coming together in groups to participate in rituals that might inflict pain, bloodshed and group sex as acts of service and devotion to the Divine. 

How can you safely try Kink at home?

Before you dive into the world of kinky sex activities, here are a few things you should know:

  • Conduct research to discover more about what you or your partner want. The more you know, the better you can communicate.
  • Given the kink world’s extremes, do things slowly to avoid feeling scared and prepare yourself step by step.
  • Communicate your kinky wants clearly to your partner(s) and ensure that you have their permission, and vice versa.
  • It might not be exactly what you envisioned in your thoughts the first time, but that’s fine. There’s a difference between fantasy and reality, and that’s ok! It’s important to learn to adjust expectations so you can truly enjoy yourself. 

Responding to a ‘no’ or ‘stop.’

You can always greet the rejection or stop with thanks and acceptance when someone sets a boundary. The exploration of limits in sexual imagining is intensely personal and susceptible to individual tastes.

Consent should be freely given and reversible at any time. Many people believe that you agree until it’s done if you consent, but that’s not the case. Consent is always revokable, no matter the circumstance. Learning to accept a no gracefully is key if you are to be a trustworthy and reliable BDSM play partner. 

Final take

BDSM can help you become a better communicator and advocate for your own needs. You can gain confidence while feeling vulnerable when playing and practicing BDSM. 

You’re in charge of your BDSM ship, and that’s a massive part of its appeal. It’s up to you how it looks and what you hope to get from it. Don’t be fooled into thinking differently by mainstream culture.

If you want to make friends in the BDSM scene, visit Foxtail. Foxtail is a sex-positive social network with members worldwide. Don’t be shy it’s free to join.

How to Be a Fierce Femme Fetale : Tips for the Emerging Dominatrix

There are many styles of domination an Alpha Female can explore in BDSM. Being a female dominatrix, Domina or Domme creates a safe space for womxn/women identified folks to explore power dynamics and head-spaces typically reserved for those socialized as male within the patriarchal paradigm. In this article you will find out the basics of domination and tips to get started on your BDSM journey into a more embodied, powerful womxn/woman. First, let’s look at what being a Dominatrix is all about.

What is a Dominatrix?

Dominatrix is a French word that means “one who rules over others.” It is commonly defined as a power position in which one dominant partner exerts influence, structure and discipline over their submissives. While it is believed that one partner, the Domme holds all the power in these dynamics, it is important to remember an effective Domme is abiding by the boundaries and consent She and Her submissive have defined prior to entering the active BDSM scene. If it is an ongoing relationship or a  24/7 relationship, there are regular check-ins around hard limits, soft limits, pushing boundaries, consent and pleasure. For more info on limits and discussing BDSM with your partner, check out this article.

In pornography, you will often see Dominas asserting their dominance over their partners through pegging, chastity, orgasm denial, cock and ball torture (CBT), and other forms of sexual control. While this is common, it is important to note that Dominance is not inherently sexual and that many Dominants assert their control over their submissives without sexual contact through discipline, protocol, sadomasochism and a variety of creative outlets exploring power play in kink. 

What makes a Powerful Domme?

There are a plethora of powerful female Dommes out there and they are all different. Dominas each have their own unique style of Dominance that draws their ideal servants and submissives to them. For example, some Dommes are experts at using their wit and sharp tongue to elicit humiliation and perform verbal degradation. This goes well with orgasm control and those who get off on embarrassment or pain. Some Dommes are uninterested in humiliation and participate in noble Domination which trains the submissive through encouragement and clear protocol instead of shame, creating a structure for the submissive to follow in order to be rewarded by being allowed to rub their Domme’s feet or have an orgasm. 

Some Dommes enjoy creating religious scenes with their submissives becoming a literally living Goddess enjoying Her worship. And then there are teacherly Dommes who make their subs read books about Feminism to learn how to be a better servant and ally to womxn, proving their knowledge through writing papers so they may be rewarded with their beloved Domme’s Golden Shower. Or Dominas who enjoy primal play, hunting their submissives in nature pursuing a predator/prey dynamic. There’s no telling what the Huntress will do when she catches you! 

 

The most effective and powerful Dominas know what interests them, what they find pleasurable and what parts of power play turns them on. It does not matter if you’re piercing your submissive with needles or using them as a footstool as long as you, the Domme enjoy what you’re doing alongside your submissive. There’s a style of Domination fit for every Domme AND every sub!!

Learning how to be a great female dominatrix is about rightfully controlling the power you already possessExploring scenes and activities that make you feel like a powerful Queen are a great place to start unleashing the Domme within. Be open to trying different things, learning new skills and getting messy. While the submissive gives you their hard limits, YOU as the Dominant get to set the scene, the pace and choose the play. There’s a limitless amount of creativity and potential pleasure as a Domme! 

 

Contrary to popular belief, Dominance has nothing to do with manipulation. Dominance is two consenting adults exploring their limits and participating in a fulfilling dynamic. While there are dynamics that include blackmail and other forms of “manipulation,” this is all consented to in advance so everyone involved knows what they’re getting into. At any time either party can use their safe-word.

Communication is Key

The most important part of being the Dominant in power exchange is communication, both listening skillfully and articulating your needs, wants and expectations clearly. Being able to listen deeply and get to the core desire of you and your submissives’ kinks opens realms of infinite possibility to play in. 

Ensure to always have a safe word – and even a safe signal! If you are gagging your sub and tying them up, they need a signal to let you know if things are not ok. Check-in often, especially when getting to know your sub’s (and your) limits. Eventually you will develop fluency for their needs and limits but don’t be shy to check in the meantime. If you do not feel you can communicate clearly and be responsible for another person’s well-being in a scene, you still have more practice to do until you’re ready to step into your Domina heels! Practice until your commands and check-ins feel natural and pleasant to say.

To become a great female dominatrix, first learn to embrace your power and courageously communicate! You will find you’re actually having fun managing the people around you and getting what you ask for if the Domme-life is for you. It takes practice and experience to find your unique style, a sexy adventure! Enjoy the ride and if you find yourself uninterested in Dominating, maybe you’ll find submission is more your thing. It’s all ok! The expansive world of kink is yours to explore. 

 

Connect with Dommes (or subs) in your area by visiting our kinky community here.  

 

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Femdom Blog: Discover Your Inner Dominant

Femdom members from our community and other femdom blogs report that dominance in BDSM refers to a person’s preference for a lifestyle in which they are dominant over another person, a sub or a submissive. The dom takes the lead in a relationship and acts as their sub’s superior in private and public settings. Typically males play Doms, Kings, Masters, and so on, while females or domes play Queen, Dommes, Mistress, Empress, and Goddess roles. But of course ALL genders are welcome to play either. All you need to remember are two elements; trust and confidence. Submissive’s trust in dominant and dominant’s confidence in being a dom is vital.

This post will help you discover your inner dominant nature by following some of these tips.

Confidence is Key!

While collars and chastity devices are useful, there is a lot more to being dominant. Sometimes all it takes is a simple facial expression or a glance to convey authority and force. And THAT is your primary objective. You’ll become more in touch with your inner dominance over time, and you’ll have a greater understanding of how to act in front of your partner. The only thing that matters is that everyone engaged has a nice time and enjoys themselves.

Domme with her submissive. Source: Femdom blog

Dress Sexy!

Several members of femdom blogs and community point out it’s always crucial to look attractive and exude a commanding aura and attitude. That isn’t a hidden fact. It should be evident who is in command of everything in a relationship, and one of the easiest ways to do so is to dress sexy.

You may remind your sub that you are the Mistress or the Master by dressing in gorgeous, sexy apparel. If you are a domme, you can start with corsets or bustiers. These two sensual pieces of lingerie are highly popular among amateur sadomasochists. However, if you want to discover your inner sensualist, then you better put them on now! Cupping your breasts with stockings or garters will also turn some heads but can leave them feeling sore from the rubbing.

Never Hesitate to give Orders or Punishment!

It would be best to practice giving commands when you have worked out how to be more confident. Giving orders or commands to your submissive is a vital aspect of being a dominant. These might differ from person to person, but every relationship requires you to exercise your power as a Mister or Mistress.

When you find your Pleasure Zone, Keep it there!

Some femdom blog members find that BDSM is great because it is a hands-on, exciting and intimate way to please their partners. However, if you are someone in public places, especially those you would not choose to be in with strangers, such as grocery stores, parks, and the like, you might find yourself out of your comfort zone. To make matters worse, when you are out in public with strangers, you may feel nervous, and your heart rate may increase.

Find New Ways to Please your Partner!

There are a variety of ways that you can be sexually pleasing to your partner. Some people prefer to be kissed on the face, while some prefer to be tongued or pinched on their nipples. Some like to be fingered while masturbating, while others enjoy a more hands-on approach while they wait for their master to get ready. The key here is to get to know your sub more and more and find what makes them tick.

Discover More Ideas

Instead of running for the phone book or looking through the local paper for an excellent place to find people from whom you can gain more experience and who are willing to teach you how to be the best dom you can ever be, you should consider signing up on a website where you can find them. You have to look in the right place, and we can help you with that too. 

Feel free to check out our site to discover similar posts. You can also connect with other like-minded individuals on a kinky dating site.

How To Be A Submissive

Well, I’m just going to assume that you are a newbie sub and wondering how an excellent submissive behaves. And I guess you are not familiar with the entire BDSM lifestyle and wondering how to satisfy and please your Master. Well, by doing your homework, you’re off to a good start!

Do you have what it takes to be a good submissive? Do you obey orders strictly like a well-behaved little bitch and let your master to use you as long as they like, or is it more complicated than that? If you want to know more, continue reading!

What Does Being Submissive Mean?

Submissive, often referred to as a sub, are sexual participants who voluntarily hand over some or all of their control to the dominant partner. This type of partnership is often referred to as a Domination/Submission (D/s) relationship in the BDSM community.

Submissive being dominated

Subs are sometimes referred to as “bottoms,” and their leading partner is the “top.” The sub can classify as any gender or sexuality. In LGBTQI+ relationships, gender is irrelevant, and one partner can still choose to take the dom role while the other takes the sub role.

Being submissive can mean different things to different people. To be submissive is to obey or yield to someone else. It may also involve various tasks given by the top. By submitting themselves to their dominant, subs enjoy pleasure from the knowledge that they are pleasing their dom.

If you want to start this kind of relationship without prior knowledge or experience, I would suggest you have a long talk about boundaries and your exceptions in a BDSM relationship. Try creating a BDSM contract and having negotiations with your dom.

What makes a Good Submissive

Every person is different, so are submissives. Many things can contribute to being a good submissive, and it is a personal development that occurs within each submissive. Having the right person to help make the journey can help accomplish the road for a submissive, but there are certain features found in many successful submissive.

Woman Being Submissive

If you aim to be a good and successful sub, we prepared some essential things that you need to keep in mind.

Learn What Drives Your Dom Crazy

To be a good submissive, you need to spend some time learning what drives your dom crazy —like knowing their fetishes and kink. It is essential to understand how to please your dom well. Understanding what gets the dom aroused will enable you to focus your efforts on doing the right things. Repeat this process to understand what annoys them about submissives or generally frustrates them in the bedroom so that you can avoid making any mistakes.

Express Your Preferences and Limits

If you are hesitant, you should explain to your dom what you would like to try and what you would not want to try under any circumstances — this is called your hard limit. One example of a hard limit is breath play. Hard limits do not have to be permanent, and you can change them in the future. Having a hard limit does not mean you cannot fully submit yourself to your dom; it just keeps both of you safe and happy.

Prepare Your Body and Environment

It is essential to ensure that your body is preparing for any activities you agreed with your dom. These activities can mean many different things like tied, gagging, and spanking.

Change Your Way of Thinking

To be a submissive, you need to learn to change your mindset completely. It may take some time to determine what to do, when, and how to respond to the needs of your dom — this process needs continuous reinforcement. There are cases that some submissives will undergo training led by their dom to prepare them psychologically before anything physical happens.

Request Permission

Being with your dom for a while will get you a bit comfortable and relaxed, but you must never try to do things impulsively. Always seek permission before you do anything to or with your dom — before you touch him or anything you want to do.

Surprise your Dom

It may seem unreasonable to surprise your dom when you have the rules to ask for permission before doing anything else. However, good submissives recognize the difference between a good surprise and a bad surprise. One example is giving a romantic or sexual service that you do not usually offer, such as a massage or making their favorite food or drink.

Ready To Accept Punishment

A D/s relationship begins with outlined the rules and the consequences when you break them. It is essential that you readily accept the punishment if you violate these rules. It is also needed for you to respond in the way your dom wants you to — to cry and beg them to stop and some not to utter a word.

Don’t Get Jealous

Although the common is to have just one submissive, it’s not unheard of that dom desires to have multiple submissives. One reason for this is because each person can cater to a different fetish. Do not get jealous or interrogate your dom about who their other subs are. A good submissive respects their dom’s decision.

Be Obedient

Well, this is the obvious tip! Obedience is usually the most difficult initially or for a few months, when a submissive may try to push the boundaries. A good submissive recognizes that you will never push any boundaries.

Conclusion

Real-life D/s is not you all see Fifty Shades of Grey. BDSM is a mutually beneficial experience that should be comforting, fun, thrilling, and orgasmic in most cases. If you are entering into it with reservations, then that is the sign that you shouldn’t be there at all!

Now, with all that said… bend over!

Do not let preconceived notions about the D/s hold you back; you already barely scratched the surface! Sign up now to join our community and, by any chance, meet your desire, Dom.