How to Be a Fierce Femme Fetale : Tips for the Emerging Dominatrix

There are many styles of domination an Alpha Female can explore in BDSM. Being a female dominatrix, Domina or Domme creates a safe space for womxn/women identified folks to explore power dynamics and head-spaces typically reserved for those socialized as male within the patriarchal paradigm. In this article you will find out the basics of domination and tips to get started on your BDSM journey into a more embodied, powerful womxn/woman. First, let’s look at what being a Dominatrix is all about.

What is a Dominatrix?

Dominatrix is a French word that means “one who rules over others.” It is commonly defined as a power position in which one dominant partner exerts influence, structure and discipline over their submissives. While it is believed that one partner, the Domme holds all the power in these dynamics, it is important to remember an effective Domme is abiding by the boundaries and consent She and Her submissive have defined prior to entering the active BDSM scene. If it is an ongoing relationship or a  24/7 relationship, there are regular check-ins around hard limits, soft limits, pushing boundaries, consent and pleasure. For more info on limits and discussing BDSM with your partner, check out this article.

In pornography, you will often see Dominas asserting their dominance over their partners through pegging, chastity, orgasm denial, cock and ball torture (CBT), and other forms of sexual control. While this is common, it is important to note that Dominance is not inherently sexual and that many Dominants assert their control over their submissives without sexual contact through discipline, protocol, sadomasochism and a variety of creative outlets exploring power play in kink. 

What makes a Powerful Domme?

There are a plethora of powerful female Dommes out there and they are all different. Dominas each have their own unique style of Dominance that draws their ideal servants and submissives to them. For example, some Dommes are experts at using their wit and sharp tongue to elicit humiliation and perform verbal degradation. This goes well with orgasm control and those who get off on embarrassment or pain. Some Dommes are uninterested in humiliation and participate in noble Domination which trains the submissive through encouragement and clear protocol instead of shame, creating a structure for the submissive to follow in order to be rewarded by being allowed to rub their Domme’s feet or have an orgasm. 

Some Dommes enjoy creating religious scenes with their submissives becoming a literally living Goddess enjoying Her worship. And then there are teacherly Dommes who make their subs read books about Feminism to learn how to be a better servant and ally to womxn, proving their knowledge through writing papers so they may be rewarded with their beloved Domme’s Golden Shower. Or Dominas who enjoy primal play, hunting their submissives in nature pursuing a predator/prey dynamic. There’s no telling what the Huntress will do when she catches you! 

 

The most effective and powerful Dominas know what interests them, what they find pleasurable and what parts of power play turns them on. It does not matter if you’re piercing your submissive with needles or using them as a footstool as long as you, the Domme enjoy what you’re doing alongside your submissive. There’s a style of Domination fit for every Domme AND every sub!!

Learning how to be a great female dominatrix is about rightfully controlling the power you already possessExploring scenes and activities that make you feel like a powerful Queen are a great place to start unleashing the Domme within. Be open to trying different things, learning new skills and getting messy. While the submissive gives you their hard limits, YOU as the Dominant get to set the scene, the pace and choose the play. There’s a limitless amount of creativity and potential pleasure as a Domme! 

 

Contrary to popular belief, Dominance has nothing to do with manipulation. Dominance is two consenting adults exploring their limits and participating in a fulfilling dynamic. While there are dynamics that include blackmail and other forms of “manipulation,” this is all consented to in advance so everyone involved knows what they’re getting into. At any time either party can use their safe-word.

Communication is Key

The most important part of being the Dominant in power exchange is communication, both listening skillfully and articulating your needs, wants and expectations clearly. Being able to listen deeply and get to the core desire of you and your submissives’ kinks opens realms of infinite possibility to play in. 

Ensure to always have a safe word – and even a safe signal! If you are gagging your sub and tying them up, they need a signal to let you know if things are not ok. Check-in often, especially when getting to know your sub’s (and your) limits. Eventually you will develop fluency for their needs and limits but don’t be shy to check in the meantime. If you do not feel you can communicate clearly and be responsible for another person’s well-being in a scene, you still have more practice to do until you’re ready to step into your Domina heels! Practice until your commands and check-ins feel natural and pleasant to say.

To become a great female dominatrix, first learn to embrace your power and courageously communicate! You will find you’re actually having fun managing the people around you and getting what you ask for if the Domme-life is for you. It takes practice and experience to find your unique style, a sexy adventure! Enjoy the ride and if you find yourself uninterested in Dominating, maybe you’ll find submission is more your thing. It’s all ok! The expansive world of kink is yours to explore. 

 

Connect with Dommes (or subs) in your area by visiting our kinky community here.  

 

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How To Be a Dom: 4 Steps To Tame Top Drop (Aftercare)

If you’ve wanted to be a dom, you may have heard the term “aftercare“. Conscientious kinksters use this practice after an intense sex BDSM session. In most cases, it ensures the sub is brought back to reality with care and affection. Doms get them drinks, food, blankets, cuddles, or whatever else they need. 

But this physical, mental, and emotional aftermath of BDSM play can lead to unstable states of consciousness, and people think that this only happens to subs, but that is not always the case. Doms also experience emotional drops, so this post will explain the four steps you need to follow to resolve top drops.

What is Dom Drop or Top Drop?

Tops have different altered states compared to bottoms, but they also exist. That intense focus on carrying out a scene, making sure it’s safe, and keeping it hot can cause a crash afterward. Tops occasionally enact forbidden desires, portraying the “bad guy” and doing prohibited things in everyday life. The act can flow perfectly, and still, the top may feel guilty, ashamed, or disgusted about their actions in the end. It might happen immediately, or a couple of hours or days later, and it’s called a top drop or dom drop.

You must know that top drops, like sub drops, come in different forms to be a dom. As the adrenaline reaches its limit and slowly or suddenly drops, you may feel unstable. You could feel embarrassed by how “rough” you were just now. You can be self-conscious, afraid that you weren’t “good enough.” You can criticize yourself for not being “perfect” if the scene didn’t quite work out. Or you can simply be in a terrible mood after a scene, party, or event. So what can you do?

4 Steps for Dom Aftercare

If you find yourself in this situation, you should never forget that feeling this way and seeking to be cared for would never make you less of a dom. So here are some ideas that you can catch to cope with a top-drop or dom-drop.

1. Be Open to Communicating Your Needs

Communication is key. First and foremost, speak with your partner. Make sure to discuss each other’s needs after playtime. If you’re inexperienced or if it’s your first time looking to be a dom as BDSM partners, you might need a bit more time together before you could ultimately find out who needs what. Feeling held and noticed by your partner might help you avoid top drop altogether. If it does, obtaining aftercare might assist you in regaining control of your mind.

So, before you start playing, make sure to have the answers to your thoughts on aftercare. The common questions that come to your mind can be:

  • Why is there a need for aftercare?
  • How would it be carried out?
  • How soon do you require it (immediately, the following day, etc.)?
  • Who will carry it out?

2. Make a Plan

Devise a strategy based on the questions above, this can vary greatly. Your demands may occasionally coincide in terms of timing and style, and you’ll be able to support each other. However, following a scene, either partner may opt to self-soothe or seek aftercare from someone who did not engage in the scene. Put some techniques in place ahead of time, whether you tend to feel drop shortly after a scene or hours or days after.

3. Execute Your Required Aftercare Practices

You could, for example, be insecure about your skills or embarrassed with what you have done. Your partner may require some tender loving care as well as feedback on how well they performed. Cuddling and affirming each other about the scene may create an atmosphere that can put both partner’s insecurities to rest.

You can, however, take turns. Perhaps some nibbles and a drink, as well as some caressing, is necessary. When they have returned to a more normal state of mind, you can also ask them ahead of time to look after you (and explain how). Thus aftercare practices will help you build strong post play relationships.

4. Have Constants

Finally, to be a dom make sure you have support if you have top drop frequently. Especially if there is a strong sense of guilt or insecurity and it lasts more than a few hours. Have a friend or two nearby who are just a text or call away. And, if you know you’ll have difficulties in the hours or days after a scene, ask your partner to check in on you, even if they’re not your usual partner.

However, if you are still in search of one, there are also groups that you can check out. They can be your local kink groups, or you can find some on Foxtail and discover people with similar interests and struggles to chat to online or in person. The things we perform may be emotionally draining, socially unacceptable, but physically demanding at times! You are not alone. Take care of yourself and your partner, and remember that you, too, deserve to be taken care of!

If you want to read out similar articles, feel free to check out our site. You can also connect with sex-positive neighbours check out Foxtail.