How To: BDSM Sex Tools for Beginners

Were you thinking about spicing up your sex life? We are here to support beginners like you as you explore the wonderful world of BDSM. Since the realm of BDSM can seem overwhelming, it is best to start with understanding what does BDSM means. BDSM is an umbrella term for Bondage and Restraint, Dominance and Submissive and Sadism, and Masochism.

On the surface, these terms might sound daunting and scary. However, the BDSM culture and lifestyle are safe and consensual. The goal is to boost pleasure and to make your partner feel happy.

BDSM is erotic and adds spice to the bedroom. Incorporating aspects of this into your bedroom doesn’t take much effort or money. The Fifty Shades of Grey franchise shined a light into this world, and it was a success. This movie showcases a variety of BDSM sex tools and shows how to use them.

We’ve listed some recommendations for you to tiptoe into the BDSM world! Ready?

Quick BDSM Tip:

BDSM kits

If you are a newbie, you might want to do some homework first. Research some BDSM tutorials and articles from our blog that can help you understand how BDSM works. Aside from that, look out for sex-positive workshops and events.

Scenarios and boundaries require a discussion with your partner before you start this play. It is essential to examine the intensity and extremes you want to experience and the safe words you want to use.  Before entering this kind of activity, you and your partner needed to understand each other’s perspectives, reactions, and feelings towards this session.

Blindfolds

blindfolds

Recommendation: BDSM Sex Tools for Beginners | $2.90

If there’s one thing all sensation sluts in BDSM love, it is the blindfold. Blindfolds are one of the many things that come to mind each time anyone hears the word submission. A blindfold helps to maximize a sensual experience. Experts say that restricting one’s senses opens doors to the other senses.

Collars and Chokers

collars and chokers for BDSM

Recommendation: Genuine Leather BDSM Bondage Set | $26.38

Collars are part of a visual accouterment of BDSM, Submissives usually wear these to show they are owned. Dominants use this as a symbol of ownership similar to wedding rings ;). A Submissive that wears a collar signifies consensual ownership between a dominant and a submissive.

Unlike collars, chokers do not symbolized committed relationships. They signify a dominant or a submissive relation. Chokers are often used to create a specific physical sensation around the neck.

Gags

gags

Recommendation: Breathable Open Mouth Ball Gag | $9.75 – $15.15

These are great for people who have oral fixations. Gags are often combined with bindings during BDSM play and are often used by the submissive to give the dominant partner more control. Dominants are using gags to make the submissive feel more helpless or as punishment or humiliation.

Pro Tip:  It is essential to establish a safe word gesture when using gags. A safeword gestures such as snapping fingers or giving an item to hold that they can drop in case they needed to speak.

Restrainers

restrainers

Recommendation: Soft Adjustable Erotic Bondage Rope Handcuffs | $12.25

Restrainers are perhaps the bread and butter of the BDSM world. Restraints can range from simple to complex. If you are a beginner, you should start with a simple tool like cuffs. Cuffs are a great introduction to constraints. Keep the cuffs loose in a way that you can slip them off without the keys.

As you gain experience, confidence, and trust in your partner, ropes are excellent in BDSM play. Don’t go into rope tying before proper instruction as it can lead to permanent damage.

Floggers

floggers

Recommendation: 7-18 pcs Premium BDSM Set | $28.25

These add a bit of versatility to BDSM play. Floggers are made of multiple strips of fabric, commonly leather or suede. These are used to gently stroke your partner and increase the intensity of play. Floggers are an excellent tool for beginners because the multiple strips help dull the impact.

Pro Tip: Test the flogger first onto your skin before you do it to your partner. In that case, you will know much impact you can only inflict on your partner. Avoid flogging near the face or genitals.

Nipple Clamps

Nipple clamps

Recommendation: Magnetic Ball Nipple Clamps | $2.48 – $3.98

Just like the name implies, these are used to stimulate sensation on the nipples. These are good for people who associate pain with pleasure. For starters, be sure to look for adjustable clamps. You can start on the lowest pressure by placing the clamp on the base of the nipple.

Pro Tip: You feel the most pain once you take it off. Monitor and minimize the time you have them on. For starters, it is recommended to clamp nipples for a few seconds then continue with 15-minute intervals.

Explore the world of BDSM to spice up your sex life. Do not settle for vanilla; enjoy other flavours too!

Have you chosen a suitable BDSM toy for you and your partner? Feel free to check our shop, where you can find various items for your BDSM play tonight!

Discussing Kink With Your Partner

Humans have so many desires that they are afraid to admit, especially kink. If you are in BDSM, kink is an integral part of your sexual identity. Different humans are sexually attracted to different kinks. Discussing kink with your partner is crucial for a healthy relationship as they make you and your partner aware of the limitations and boundaries. Talking about a kink that intrigues you might be embarrassing, but it doesn’t have to be!

If you are confused about where to begin and how-to, we are here to help you understand and share your secret sexual desires.

Why Remain Silent?

Communication is vital for any healthy relationship. Being open to your partner about your needs, desires, and experiences will lead to fulfilling sex. Your partner can only understand you if you share with them! So why do we feel shame about sharing our kinky desires and thoughts?

Being vulnerable is difficult enough in relationships, let alone when we confess our kinky dreams to our Beloved. It’s ok to feel shame and shyness when discussing your sexual needs, but practice makes perfect, and you’ll never get your needs met if you don’t speak up. Speaking up gives you and your partner the chance to tackle what’s at hand together. You might be surprised at how speaking up brings you two closer together.

Why Discussing Kink is Important?

When people don’t talk about kink, it affects their emotional intimacy, self-esteem, and trust. It can be impossible to build strong and happy relationships under false pretences and dishonesty. If partners cannot talk about their kink, needs, and even desired sex scene, this is a sign that there is a communication problem in the relationship. Dissatisfaction with sex life leads to resentment, resulting in couples’ conflicts, betrayal, or breakup.

Realizing the Importance of Kinky Conversation

Both partners need to realize that everyone has a right to secret sexual fantasies. Humans are biologically programmed to feel arousal and desire sex in different ways. It’s completely normal! Listening to your own kinky desires and sharing them with your partner opens up the relationships to more love, confidence, and respect for one another as individuals and as partners.

Fantasies and secret desires can be strong stimulants. You can share stories, images, and details with your partner. If you’re playing with your long-term, trusted partner, leave room for spontaneity and organic flow after you share your fantasies – start off simple. No need for intense protocol or analytics at first. Give yourselves room to grow and reach for more as you continue to build trust and intimacy.

You need to take some time to reflect on your own sexual desire: what gets you aroused, what do you fantasize about? Sometimes it isn’t easy to voice secret desires in the heat of the moment. Make time with your partner to have an intimate and dedicated conversation about what you’re fantasizing about. You never know, your partner may know their kinky fantasies, but they might not broadcast them.

It is also helpful to give feedback in real-time, while you’re engaged in sexual acts with your partner “I like when you touch me here” or “That feels good, keep going (harder or softer or stay the same)”.

This kind of openness sets the stage for more honesty and communication, making it easier to hear each other over time. Both in and out of the bedroom.

When to Speak?

Establishing an intimate dialogue about sex is easy if you follow these basic rules:

1. Don’t introduce a brand new idea you want to try right before having sex. If you’re already turned on and heading to Sex City, interrupting the journey by stopping and introducing something brand new can be disruptive. Your partner wants to have sex, not talk. Choose an appropriate moment for this conversation: in a hot bath, over dinner with a glass of champagne, or talking in bed. The main thing is that you two are in a good mood and fully present. Everyone is calm, happy, and content.

2. Be open and speak simply with your partner. Do not try to explain your preferences in scientific terms or the words of some famous sexologist. You do not have to defend your sexual preferences to your partner. Just be yourself! If they don’t get it, that’s ok. It’s just a preference, like wanting chocolate ice cream over cookies n cream. Work together to understand each other’s viewpoints.

3. Choose the right tone. The same thing is perceived differently depending on how you say it. When you offer your partner a new sex game or experiment, remember the voice you use should be calm, soothing, and confident. Your partner will be more receptive to your tone, allowing the conversation to go smoothly.

4. When both partners agree to sexual experimentation, you need to clearly discuss the rules in advance. Not during sex, not immediately after sex, but in advance before sex so that each of you knows what your partner is doing and why they are doing it. Describe the process you envision and discuss the desires this satisfies for both of you.

Threesome Sex: How to Bring it up?

Threesomes are very common for couples who have been partnered for some time and have developed healthy communication. The most successful couples have already mastered expressing their sexual desires, and both partners are respectful of each other’s fantasies. If you and your partner do not have a foundation for solid trust and intimacy, a threesome should be a fantasy put off for a later time. Remember, it can be important to share fantasies with your Lover without acting on them as you grow together. You can share the dream of the fantasy without immediately putting it into action. This builds up the relationship so you can work toward that experience together one day.

It is important to define the boundaries of who both partners feel comfortable inviting in for the threesome. For example, do you want it to be a one-night stand? A friend? A cute acquaintance? Realize that you or your partner may or may not want to see the person again after the act, so how does this play into your fantasy? What boundaries do you need to protect and prioritize the relationship for more sexual exploration for years to come?

But be aware of group sex with your friends! On the one hand, the idea of inviting friends into your bed can be comforting because of the established trust already present. On the other hand, an experience of this magnitude may change the dynamics of a friendship forever.

What Can Help You Discuss Kink?

If it’s too awkward to start talking about kink out of nowhere, you can give signs. For example, find a movie where a scene shows what you want to try in sex and watch it with your partner. You can find out about each other’s preferences in a game format. For example, make a list with different sexual desires, fill it out, and check what your partner chose.

Another way to scout the situation is to ask your partner what they masturbate to or imagine when they caress themselves. You can agree to masturbate in front of each other to encourage intimacy and pleasure.

All of these tricks are meant to show people that talking only makes sex better. This will make it easier for them to talk about it later. If partners cannot understand their desires or accept each other’s needs, it is worth contacting a specialist. Sex therapists and couples therapists can provide the guidance and structure needed to get your relationship to the next sexy level.

What Kind of Reaction to Expect?

There is no one-size-fits-all piece of advice or magic phrases for talking about kink. However, there are general principles that should be adhered to when discussing such sensitive topics.

Abandon Gender Stereotypes

Good sex is the responsibility of both partners. The conversation starts with the one who needs it more and not who supposedly should take the initiative.

Don’t wait!

Don’t wait for your partner to figure it out. People often expect their partners to guess what they want. However, nobody can read minds. Tell them what you want and give them a chance to explore.

Calling a Spade a Spade

To make it easier for partners to understand each other, you need to speak directly. The phrase “press harder on my clit” sounds much clearer than “I want more.”

Don’t Criticize

Most people are already embarrassed to talk about sex, so you shouldn’t create additional stress. If Your partner tells you about a certain activity different from your preferred one, don’t criticize. Criticism and “yucking their yum” will only lead to more communication hesitancy.

Focus Needs

Focus not only on your own needs but also on the needs of your partner. Healthy relationships require communication and reciprocity. You can ask your partner what position they like best, what they fantasize about, and what they would like to try. But be prepared for no’s. No one is obliged to do what they do not like and just because your partner does not like something doesn’t mean they do not like you.

Bring Each other to the Same Table

If you can present your kink desires in such a way that your partner perceives them as their own, then both of you will win. While entering this territory, you need to be aware that there is always a risk. The fear of misunderstanding might be holding you back, but your partner might be up for the kinky stuff you want to do with them. But first, you need to tell them this.

If you are worried that your kink ideas might enrage or make your partner hostile towards you, then that partner might not be with the right one for you. So don’t refuse to talk about it, and don’t withhold information from your partner. If you think that your partner’s ideas about intimacy are fundamentally different than yours, you need to:

  • Discuss this with your partner, which means expressing your thoughts and emotions, and checking if you have some common ground. 
  • Ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you?

The Bottom Line

Remember, silence about your kink(s) fences you off from unforgettable orgasms. Perhaps your partner also has a couple fantasies that they are afraid to admit. Be bold! Your life, your sex, your orgasms, and your pleasures depend on you. You create your own life, and you should not be ashamed of yourself!

If you want to explore more about kink, you can visit our blog to read out similar articles. You can also connect with other like-minded individuals in the Meet Others section.

How To Make Your Sub Happy: 4 Sex Skills To Keep Them Coming Back

Sex skills are essential in BDSM play. Sensual play is finding its way into the mainstream, with studies showing advantages like reducing stress and better relationships among couples. From gentle tickles to extreme nipple torture, BDSM has evolved through time, but the basis of a BDSM relationship is the connection between the Dom and Sub.

Tips on Making Your Sub Happy

If you are a Dom and looking for a way to keeping your Sub happy and coming back, you might want to consider these tips.

1. Use Your Mouth to Give Shivers All Over

Your mouth can inflict more excitement or arousal than any other area of your body. You can do numerous things to your partner’s body and various locations you can do it, whether you do it by licking, sucking, or biting.

Even if the part you chose is not that sexually sensitive, biting will have the same impact as scratching, but on a different level.

2.   Grope, Pin, or Grind 

Grope your partner as if you are claiming every inch of them as your property. Do not be hesitant. If you want something, take control and snatch them. They’ll get a sense of helplessness that’ll boost arousal.

You can pin them on the couch, against the wall, on the bed, hunched over a table or counter. If nothing else is available, the floor will have to do. This behavior is common in Primal Play where ‘take downs’ are more common. Whatever you do, keep in mind that this is not to attack your sub, but just another way of claiming them to be yours and no one else’s.

These kinds of sex skills allow you to exhibit your true alpha nature.

3.  Let Them Pleasure You

Just because you’re in control doesn’t imply you’re the only one who should make all the moves. You can let them kneel on the floor and tell them to give you pleasure. If they are lying on their back, move around, so you’re over their head and urge them to keep making those sexy sounds.

Keeping them occupied, this is key to keep them interested.

4. Control Their Orgasms

You may use this in various ways, like teasing, delaying, or repeatedly causing them to orgasm. Make them beg for it as you draw it out, this will ensure a mind-blowing climax.

On the other hand, you can also tell your sub when they should cum. This usually requires knowing enough about your submissive and knowing when they are ready. If yoursub sees you as the master of their orgasm, you’ll have a control over their mind you never imagined possible.

Participating in an intense D/s play session may be emotionally and physically draining for a submissive, leaving them weary and experiencing “sub drop.”

Mastering and freely giving aftercare to your sub, from communication to hugging to caring for their body, is one of the best ways to ensure they stay happy and keep coming back to you.

For more tips on managing and enjoying a BDSM relationship, you can check out our blog! You can also visit our shop for BDSM products to add spice to your sexual activities.